Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Sensible Shoes

Have you ever caught your reflection in a mirror or a store window at the exact moment you look the most unattractive you've ever looked in your en-tire life? That moment when all the planets in our solar system have aligned and all your stars are in the house of ugly.

I mean that moment when your mouth is hanging open, your eyes are half shut, you have hair sticking up here and there, and your chin has sprouted other chins. Your posture is so bad you look like you should be ringing bells in a tower somewhere. Your gut is hanging waaaaaay out in front (I call it my front butt) and your bra has creeped way up in back because your back boobs keep pushing it up there. (Which means your front ones are safely wedged into the elastic waistband of your skirt. Thank God for elastic - that way I don't have to worry about the bessies going about un-tethered.)

I experience that moment on a daily basis.

When did it happen? When did I turn into Frumpy Spice? I don't recall the progression from cute girl in her 20's to overweight matron with bad hair in her middle 30's. It happened so gradually that I didn't notice it. It certainly wasn't my goal to wind up this way. I didn't wake up one morning and say to myself with gusto, "As God is my witness, I will wear long boxy shirts with big skirts every single day. I will make sure there are two or three separate front butt rolls visible on the front of my shirt, because it will give people something to stare at. My make-up will sit untouched in the drawer, and my hair will hang from my scalp like dead fish."

I'm feeling very scuzzy lately, and I think I might be having a bit of an identity crisis. Can you tell? I stand in front of my closet and just stare at it, mesmerized, as if Billy Blanks were in there doing his best Tae Bo. I'm uninspired by my life, my clothes, I'm bored with my shoes, I have no accessories. My hair is blah, my body is double blah. I am the biggest loser. And not the good kind.

My perfume. I like my perfume. I've been told I smell good. But that's it.

I've tried a new hair color in hopes that a darker do would solve my funk issues. I needed something to do during the babies' naps anyway, so it was me and my Clairol in the bathroom together. "Hm, what would happen if I leave it on for just five more minutes? How dark is too dark?" Well, when the only comment you get on your hair is, "ooh, Goth!" then you have your answer.

So what's a momma to do? How do I get out of this rut? Oh, I already know the answer. Get off my dead patoot and go for a walk. I suppose so. But finding inspiration is difficult lately. I could exercise and lose 80 pounds, get a new haircut and dust off my make-up case. But I'll still be the same person when all is said and done. I'll still be Dan's roommate, Ashley's doormat/teacher, a slave to the babies, scrubber of toilets, runner of vacuums and mixer of meatloaves. I won't suddenly have a life just because I've proven I can stick to an exercise program for more than 45 minutes. I'll still have the same frumpy skirts and stretched-out bras and sensible shoes.

Some days I wish I could have excitement and intrigue as a daily menu option. Wouldn't it be fun to be a spy? Chase the bad guys and use my SuperSpy karate skills to kick their butts with a "ha!" and a "high-ya!" And then wring 'em dry of information with my voodoo mind powers. Of course I'd have nary a hair out of place, and I'd do it all in fun wigs and disguises and sexy high-heeled shoes. (Hellooooo, who ever heard of a SuperSpy wearing sensible shoes?)

But I think I'd probably suck at being a spy. It'd be like having THE coolest house on the planet, but on the South pole where nobody can ever visit you. I'd want everyone to share in my fun life with me and I wouldn't be able to keep any secrets. So being a spy is out.

Oh well. Not a thing in the world I can do about all of this tonight. Can't afford the gym, can't reverse the Clairol, and the elastic on my skirts will hold for now. I think I'll wallow in self-pity for a little while longer. I'm used to that. I like to stew, it suits me. It's comfortable, like a big warm cushy blanket.

I love blankets. They hide front butts. And they go great with my sensible shoes.

UPDATE: I joined the gym yesterday. I haven't actually worked out yet but I feel tres sporty with my membership card riding around in my purse. I'm not looking forward to the mandatory fitness evaluation - that torture session where Adonis calculates your body fat percentage and cardiovascular limits - even if it is free.

I'm treating this like a lifestyle change, not a "new thing" so I'm hoping to stay motivated. We'll see how it goes, eh?


Anonymous said...

Oh too true dear Dellaina. I oft look at my 'old self' and wonder where she went and did I accidentally eat her when I was scarfing down Crunch N Munch the other night...

Anonymous said...

That is awesome!! Are you a writer? If not you should be then maybe you can make some big time bucks and buy a pair of unsensible shoes :) Babymama0520 from babycenter

Anonymous said...

The "front butt" has always been called a Murphy in my social circle.

Good to see new postings in your blog!

Anonymous said...

Good to see all the new post! I've been needed them. I've told you this before but I do think you need to write a book. You could really make some good money!

Nov 03 board BBC

Anonymous said...

I've had that reality hit hard in store windows. They are vicious. Losing some weight DOES help a bit though, I have to say. No, it doesn't change you or your life. But it does change how you feel about yourself. And that's a step in the right direction ... out of frumpdom. A small step but still a step.

Anonymous said...

Good luck at the gym Dellaina. I haven't been in one since before I got pregnant with dd (so a good 6 years) but I remember the horrid evaluation part where those young 'uns judge you. Bleh. I did like watching TV while doing the cardio machines, it was "me time". Maybe I'll join again ... one day.

Anonymous said...


I have a wicked smile on my face picturing you walking through the gym parking lot in....yoga pants!!

Moo ha ha ha,

Kristina R.

Anonymous said...


I don't want to get preachy, but when you said "I could exercise and lose 80 pounds, get a new haircut and dust off my make-up case. But I'll still be the same person when all is said and done."

I completely disagree. You may still be in all your prescribed roles, but if you do something even as small as get yourself a new haircut, a new package of panties, tinted lip gloss, or one new skirt from the clearance rack at Old Navy, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT YOURSELF. I think you're great, and you should too.

We just went through a horrible bankruptcy and I do a little under-the-table work from home, but all my money is going to pay back the IRS. For all intents and purposes, I am a WAHM who does not draw any kind of a salary. I figure that for all the work I do, we can "afford" to pay me $10 a week, and those little things I mentioned above are the little things I've gotten myself every week for the past month. I feel better about myself when my smile is brighter and not chapped, when I look in my panty drawer and see bright colors and no elastic wormies, when I put on my new $6 skirt from Old Navy, and with the $10 I earned this week and the money left over from the skirt, underwear, and the chapstick weeks, I got myself a nice bob haircut AND left the hairdresser a decent tip. I left today feeling great.

I lucked out and found a free yoga class and one side benefit of working out is that my posture has improved a thousandfold. I feel so good when I realize I am sitting up straight subconsciously and not slouching like I normally do.

So GO FOR IT, woman! Do one special little thing for yourself under $10 every week. Imagine if you paid someone to do what you do every week...$10 is a bargain, but you can really make yourself feel good, and that affects your life and the lives of your families.

Gettin' offa me soapbox,

Kristina R.

Anonymous said...

...and diets be damned, next week I am leaving Daniel with Mitch for an hour and going to a coffee shop for a cup of hot chai, a thick slice of cheesecake, and an uninterrupted hour of reading the newspaper!!!

Kristina R.

cindy said...

as i like to say, i am officially a desperate housewife only not as
slender and MUCH more frumpy. i just joined the gym in november. does yours have a kiddie care center? i have two so i get a sitter to come. i am really looking foward to toning up, feeling better, sleeping better, looking better! let's do it, girl!

Jodi said...

Love your blog. I agree with the pp's, you should be a writer. You have a wonderful way with words...Here is to future posts!

Life After Birth Control

Anonymous said...

Inspired by your post, I decided to follow my own advice and actually DO something as well. I joined a gym about 3 weeks ago ... and am actually going 3 times a week. So far anyway .... :)

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