Tuesday, March 18, 2008

In which Jonah learns his Cubbies teacher Mrs. Snyder is pregnant with twins

Jonah: "Whaaa? Misser Nyder has TWO babies in her tummy? How did she get them there? How did her two babies get in there to her tummy?"

Me: "Anyone ready for a snack?"

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Oh. My mistake.

Me: Son, do you have to go potty?
Jonah: No.
Me: Then take your hands off your penis.
Jonah: (pointing low and to the left) But Mom, my penis is over here.

Friday, March 07, 2008


So I needed to do some quick math to figure out how much I had left in my checking account. I happened to be sitting in the Starbucks drive-thru and didn't have pen or paper, didn't have a calculator, and didn't have my husband to do it in his head. (He's wicked smart that way. Me? Not so much.)

No worries! I generally fancy myself to be resourceful so I set about scouring the van for something that would serve useful. AHA! Mary-Beth's Travel Magna-Doodle! Yes. I was scraping out my calculations with a magnet pen on a child's toy. Who's more hip than me? I got a curious look from the cashier (which I returned - psh! Dude, what's wrong with my Magna Doodle? Jealous?) and as I drove away I couldn't help but wonder: Is it possible that I'm not the cool one? Have I lost more than my simple mental math skills since the children came along?

Hmm... Prolly.

I can't use the restroom anymore. I remember when we used to use the restroom. We always used the restroom, or the W.C. or the powder room, depending on the venue. We don't use the restroom anymore. We don't go to the W.C. or the powder room. We go potty. And we can't just go potty. We have to share! our fabulous! plan! to potty! with everyone! "Mommaaaaaay! I have to go peeeeee!"

No more breakfast meetings, lunch meetings, dinner meetings, date nights. Now we have story time, play time, clean-up time, nap time... nap time... nap time... Did I mention nap time?

We don't look for tissues to solve a nose problem. We look for the blue nose sucker thingee. Note to self: blue nose sucker thingee is just like a firearm: never point it at your face and pull the trigger.

Remember when you could walk down the hall at night without stepping on stuff? Long gone. Midnight trips to the potty require night vision goggles now, unless you don't mind extracting Legos from the soles of your feet in your sleep.

I used to be able to leave my latte on the counter. Heck, I was even known to leave it on the end table! Not anymore. If a drink is within reach of Pete & Repeat, it's fair game. Kiss it goodbye, my friend. Just kiss it goodbye.

I wasn't always able to tie The Girls into my bathrobe belt. You know what I'm talking about, ladies. And while we're on the subject, I can't remember the last time I didn't have to adjust The Girls before going through the frozen foods section at the store to make sure everyone's pointing the same direction. Don't laugh! Gravity's a bitch and she's coming for you!

There was a time that I could go out with my friends until the wee hours of the morning, and still manage to make it to work bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 5:30 a.m. Now? I turn into a pumpkin at 9:30. I'm just not built for speed anymore.

I still haven't adjusted to having to share my snacks. Nothing quite as pathetic as a grown woman hiding in the coat closet wolfing down a cookie, no? Yes, I do realize I'm supposed to be trying to teach my children to share. Mind your own, eh.

I've lost the ability to keep a clean car. I used to have a clean car, now I never have a clean car. It does sometimes smell clean, but it rarely looks clean inside or out. Once in a while I'll give it a good going-over: toss the old paper coffee cups in the trash, scoop all the shoes and hats into a basket for going inside, and anything else that doesn't say Baby Ruth on it can go in the jockey box. Just don't let the kids see me tossing the old tater tots. (Have you seen a year-old tater tot? Seriously y'all, those suckers have staying power!)

I used to be able to remember things. Stories I'd told, people I'd talked with, things I'd said, where I parked my car, no sweat. Now? Shah! I can barely remember my own birthday. "Stop me if I've already-" "Yes. You've already told me. Twice, in fact." I've been trying to do a Sudoku every day to keep the old lady brain sharp but it hasn't really kicked in yet.

I've lost the ability to keep a clean car... Oh. I already said that? Mmm-kay.
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