(NOTE: Oh how much has changed since I wrote this one. I'm no longer the center of my universe, thank God. But I'll not delete it, just in case you're feeling the same and need someone to commiserate with you.)
Why do mommas have nervous breakdowns? Why do women turn to retail therapy, even if it means bills don't get paid? Why do we look frazzled and worn? Why do we have Samsonite growing under our eyes? On any given night you might find a momma in her bathrobe, zombie-walking the hallways with a Pooh Bear under one arm and Pledge in hand, muttering something about toilet brushes and Calgon.
My favorite line from Ferris Bueller's Day Off: "Sooner or later, everyone goes to the zoo." She must have been talking about mothers. And why do we go to the zoo? Why? I'll tell you why. It's the people we live with. It's the repetitive nature of the oh-so-mundane. It's the number of times we have to do or say the same stupid thing over and over again! To wackos who ignore it entirely! Insanity!
If I had a dollar:
- for every time I've told Jonah to stay out of Ashley's room!
- for every time I've told Jonah to stay out of MY room!
- for every time I've reminded Mary-Beth that the trash can and its contents are OFF limits...
- for every time I've told Ashley to pick up her towel from the bathroom floor...
- for every time I've reminded Jonah that toast does not belong in his glass of milk...
- for every time I have to restart the dryer after discovering that some baby at my house has opened it. Now it's time to go but all my clothes are still wet...
- for every time I've folded all my aprons and put them back in the drawer...
- for every time I've asked Ashley why it's okay for me to spend my money on a new CD for her, but it's not okay for her to spend her money. "I'm saving it, Mom. Gosh." As if I'm the one who doesn't get it.
- for every time I tell that child to stop banging his spoon on the table!
- for every time I've stubbed my toe on a pot or frying pan that's been removed from the cupboard and used as entertainment...
- for every time I've said, "Well if you KNOW then why am I having to TELL you? Again!" Those of you with teenagers will be able to relate...
- for every time I've explained to Jonah that hitting his baby sister is still not allowed. Yet he has the nerve to act surprised every time he's punished! "What'd I do?" Just like Jib-Jab's Clinton.
- for every time I've responded to "Momma watch! Momma watch! Momma watch!" He never looks up to see if I'm already looking at him, and he says it usually three, sometimes four times in quick succession. When he's confident he has my full attention, he jumps in place one time and smiles as big as if he'd just found the cure for cancer...
- for every time I've said, "No standing on the furniture! Sit down!"
- for every time I've said intimacy includes friendship and conversation, a general interest in what's going on in someone's head. So you have the conversation about it and things improve... for two weeks. Then here we are again. In my opinion, your girlfriends should not know you better than your spouse. But if that's where you're forced to get your intimacy, it'll have to do.
- for every time I've reminded my homeschooled daughter that her friends have been sitting at a desk for two hours already, yes it IS a decent hour, get OUT of BED! Now!
- for every time I've had to deal with the mountain of sunflower seed shells on the floor and in the door pocket of my van after a road trip.
- for every time I've shown the people in this house where the clean dishes belong. ATTENTION PEOPLE! Intentionally doing a half-assed job will most definitely not get you excused from duty. It will get you growled at! Just like the stinkin' last time you got growled at! Please pay as much attention to where the dishes go, as you do to who sings what song or what auto manufacturer made what car! I can't tell you how sick I am of "Well fine, YOU do it then."
- for every time I've taken the remote control out of a baby's mouth...
- for every time I've removed a stuck finger(s) from a closed drawer, door, trash can lid, toy...
Only one vitamin per kid per day! Leave me some hot water! We're strangers and you don't seem to care! No jumping on the couch! No loud music when babies are napping! No writing on the walls with your popsicle! No yelling at Momma! No scratching! No hitting! No spitting! No running! No screaming! No! No! No!!!!!!!!!!
Literally every thing on this list happens every day! Well, almost everything. The popsicle thing only happens in the summertime. But man! The sheer effort it takes to not jump in the mini van, toss the car seats out onto the lawn, brush the sunflower seed shells from my seat and drive into the horizon without looking back. Trust me, it's so. so. tempting. Just me and my new LL Cool J album on the open road. No TeleTubbies, no Tonka trucks, no stepping in yogurt with bare feet.
If only I had a dollar for every time all those things happened, I could afford the gas for my trip into the horizon.
